I don't know why...

I randomly decided to read my blog.

I haven't been here in so long, I wondered what was here, and if it were worth coming back to.

     Facebook takes a lot of my time. But, it is time spent shuffling around in other people's interests, games, and finding words on photos that may or may not mean something to me.

Instagram is okay. I love to see the photos posted by family far away. But, then there are times when I think, it would be better to avoid. Missing family connections can make it hard to see when others get together for simple pleasures, while I sit in my home longing to find some. 

I remember when this blog began. I had so many things that I needed to work through.Today, I realize that though I have changed over the years, the need to write has not. It might benefit me to write here. I have tried journaling, I have tried other connections. I may not find this works either, but my last post spoke to me about something I am currently struggling with. 

I told Darrell today that I often feel useless. There is so much in my life that needs to be tending to, and I chip away at it. However, it feels that as a pebble is moved, a boulder gets added. Darrell's illness, Bud's aging, my own health, the kids growing and moving, the tightness of finances, the car, the house, the animals. The lists grows continually. 

Now, it is church. The place where one is supposed to find sanctuary, I find turmoil. It seems that I will never be able to find my way there. After over 20 years, I ponder if I should just give up and seek a place that will give the peace I seek. Or, do I continue to try to be the light for others to see by. I am tired. I am sad. I just want out. I don't want to try to maneuver through more changes. But, I don't want to storm off in a temper tantrum. Is there an answer? I don't know.