Fear?

"No one told ever told me that grief

felt so like fear."

- C.S. Lewis

I had not realized until last night that this fear, this anger I have been feeling is part of the grief process I am going through as I define what it means to have a child with sensory integration dysfunction. I have yelled and screamed at the school in the past week, out of fear that Ruth will be failed in the system, as Brian had. My bright girl who is so vivacious, funny, brilliant, and willing to please; it is hard to see the problem, and it makes me angry? No, it makes me afraid of what is to come. I watched my Brian struggle, I see his sense of failure. He wants to achieve, but cannot verbalize what holds him back. I do not want to fail Ruth the same way.

As a girl, I learned to become angry in the face of fear. It was my way to not be vulnerable. I do not like to be at the mercy of others. I do not want to wonder "Why?", I want to know how it will come out in the end.

I told someone recently that I needed to name my foes, just like I need to name my friends. By naming the issues I can begin to build on the sense of strength that my mother tells me I have. The strength that the Lord gave me as I struggled to live as an infant. The strength that got me through a childhood filled with uncertainty. The strength that helped me to overcome an abusive relationship. The strength to do more than survive.

I want my children to find that strength, too. I do not want them to live with fear that they will not be up to standards that have been set. I love them, and it breaks my heart to know that there will always be struggles for them to succeed in this world. It hurts to know that I am responsible to make certain that things come together for them. I can not make them better, I can only help them to move towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

This anger is not what it seems. The fear that builds with in is not what I will live my life with. I name the feeling: grief. In the book, Changed by a Child, Barbara Gill reminds me that though I feel alone, I am not. There are others that walk the same path as I. I can connect to others, or at least to myself and my children. As the puzzle comes together, I know that I will be able to release it in to the hands of my Heavenly Father. And, since I know that He is my strength in overcoming all, it will be okay.