Trust

I have discovered in my life I have difficulty with a small word:

Trust.

I do not always trust myself to do the right thing.

I do not trust myself to eat healthy things.

I am trying to figure out why over the past few days

I have been eating junk like it is going out of style.

I Think I found the reason:

Trust.

When things seem to be going right, and I feel safe and secure,

I almost always find out about some underlying, hidden, thing

that meant it was all a facade. I want to have the ability to:

Trust.

I have responded to an underlying fear by eating in a way

that makes me feel "comforted". It is my wall. I used to think

reading was my way of blocking out fear or uncertainty, but

when that inkling comes in that the one thing I long for will be gone,

I lose faith in myself first. My ability to cope goes out the door as

a way maintain this with in the ones that I love:

Trust.

Oh, if you have made it this far, you might be wondering what is

setting me off. I borrowed my husband's truck this week.

My car broke down and I had to get to work.

Since he works an opposing shift, I used his truck.

It had a suspicious smell.

No, not perfume.

Smoke.

Faint, but true. There was nicotine film covering the mirror.

Trust.

I almost lost him a year ago. He is diabetic and had pneumonia.

The doctor said that if he ever smoked again it would be his death warrant.

We had some hard things to deal with this past fall, and instead of turning to me,

like I tried to turn to him, he turned to cigarettes.

Trust.

It all makes sense to me now.

I tried to celebrate the anniversary of when he chose life. He said "I am not proud of that."

I could sense a wall, or maybe a crack in the ground that we were walking along.

I told him this is not only about his health, it is a matter of:

Trust.

Today, I will stop the junk food intake. I will at least try to.

I can see where it came into my life.

Now, it needs to see its way out again.

I need to find this within myself:

Trust.