Is this really where I wanted to be?

I have to say, I had a major enlightened moment yesterday.

I stood in my kitchen.

Filth on the floor. 

Days of dishes piled in my sink. 

Infant in my arms.

I know I must have had a peculiar look upon my face, as my oldest son came into the room and asked "What?" I shook my head, with tears in my eyes and said "I didn't think I would be doing this still at 45."

I am not sure what I wanted to be doing at this point in my life. I have never been good at dreams and fantasizing. I just want to move along and be happy with what I have. I want to love my family and have them love me in return. I want to help others to the best that I can. 

And, really, I was standing there in the kitchen with my grandson, whom I love dearly and in return shines light in my life. The floor and dishes were dirty because I have been tending to the needs of my family, helping them in any way I know how. So, I was in fact doing what should have made me happy. 

But, I wasn't. I know that somewhere in my mind I want a home that is clean, and that I can maintain that way. I want to be able to cook dinner and make yummy things without having to do dishes that are from days ago. 

I may not know how to move toward that goal. I take tiny steps forward, but it seems the steps backward are HUGE.  I know routines are best, but my life right now is fluid. The others in my world don't want to be in this environment either. It is clear by their desire to hide in their rooms or disappear to other family members homes. I HEAR people tell me that there SHOULD be more help, and that I am not tough enough. But, I also recognize that I sit and procrastinate as well. Tiny steps.... each one might lead me closer to the answer I seek.

Wait just a minute.....

The internet can occasionally help. I searched "kitchen filth". This photo reminded me of the sink in my first apartment, when I was 18. My sinks do not look that way anymore! Not by a longshot. Nor do I have spider webs dangling over the sink to help with the flies. That was around 25. The dishes, as it turns out, were quickly washed and the counters cleaned in minutes, not hours as I feared standing there. The floor, well that is an endless battle that does require a bit of a 'crucial conversation' with a loved one or two. It is so much easier to keep clean when there is not quite so much stuff not put away.

I guess the HUGE steps were not as big as I thought. 

I write now, and a smile is on my face. At 45, I spent the morning with that same infant playing at the kitchen table and singing and laughing and having fun. You can read about that on my blog about how  "This Grandma's Got It".

Let go

I struggled with week with feeling like I was targeted at church. I have been in the past. There was a minister at one point that told lies about me behind my back, and pushed me out of the role I had as a leader of Sunday school. I eventually was able to heal, after other members pushed him out of leadership in our church. One of those people I recently went up against, and it wasn't pretty. I spoke my mind, and I told her what I thought. I have worked hard to regain my confidence. We have a new pastor, she has been with us for about a year. I have found she is friendly with the woman in power, and I let that color me veiw. I have the opportunity to lead in Sunday school again, and I received a call the other night that I took as someone trying to push me out. This time, I was ready to leave my church. 

I prayed. 

I cried. 

I prayed some more. 

I spoke to a limited number of people about my feelings. I reflected on the situation. It was not easy. I began to recall the saying about the enemy working harder against you when you get closer to your calling.

I wondered if this was happening. I asked God for guidance, and found myself asking the pastor some specific questions to help me in decision making. I prayed some more.

I decided that I would continue on this path, and make certain changes. I have been a deacon in our church for 3 years, and feel it has been not what I find my calling. Youth and children. That is it. So, last night I spoke to the pastor about this struggle. I told her that I will be stepping down as a deacon. I feel it is best, as I will continue to fight against the leadership of the woman in power there. It will not service my church.

However, Sunday school leadership, I will take on with a glad heart. 

I had to let go of the old feelings, and ask factual questions. I needed to reflect, and consider the whole picture. I think this is a turn for the good. The pastor validated that. She spoke her mind, and shared how worried she had been. She feels there is a gift I have to share. She is thankful I will be able to do so.

So, am I.