Simple Joy

I have been told I am difficult to buy for. Christmas brings me great anxiety. I never seem to have the money to buy great gifts for those I love. I just have to give from my heart. That is a big thing, as I think I have a big heart. I'm not bragging, just saying, I love to give to others, and make them happy. It brings me JOY.

For years, I have been on the outskirts of the gift giving at our family gathering. The cousins give to one another, and then the Godparents/children give gifts to each other. I am in neither group. I mean, I have participated in the past, by proxy. I 'adopted' my nephew who was feeling left out because his Godfather passed away. This year, he has a Godson. I began to dread that time. I admit it. But, I found a game that made it better for me, and it involved everyone. You know the graduated box gift, where it starts in a big box and gets smaller? Well, this game involves a die and that kind of gift. A certain number has to be rolled in order to open the box, and the person who gets to the gift gets to keep it. This year it was $20. Next year, well, who knows... But, it took time to find the boxes and to figure out how to make the game work. (For those of you who are family, I have already begun to collect boxes for next year...) This made my day more enjoyable, as well as the several other handmade “non- Christmas” gifts I gave to family members. For I find JOY in giving.

Did you all notice the description of my blog changed just a bit? I have included the phrase "what brings me joy" as one of the things I search for. A few weeks ago, my sister, Kathy, spoke of what makes a "perfect Christmas". For her, it was peace. Her Christmas card reflected that desire. My perfect Christmas revolved around "JOY". It is what I seek in life. Not the minute fleeting happy moments, but the things that make me smile in reflection. Sort of like the Flower on my header. It peeked its pretty head out and looked at the snow. It reminded me of me. I often peek at the world, or gaze at it through a window. I wonder about the "JOY" on the other side of the glass.

Man, I started this as a quick thought about one of my presents from this year. I haven't even talked about it. I got to my dad's on Sunday afternoon. You need to understand, if you have not picked on this before, that I have a fractured relationship with my dad. It is one that does not always bring JOY, more often the opposite. I do not want to change my focus, just know that piece is important to my story. When I got to Dad's, I knew what our gift would be: a gift card for a restaurant. I brought a container of cookies for he and Alice, my stepmother. It seems a little out of kilter, but I have a hard time with giving them a gift card, while they do the same for us. Anyway, I gazed in amazement at the tree in their living room. I was surprised it was still up, to be truthful. There were many ornaments, which hasn't always been the case. There were the neat old fashioned ones I like. But, in front, there was a hand painted candy cane. It looked at me like someone painted a cookie cutter. I thought, "what a cool idea" , and made a mental note to find other cookie cutters for another year. Yah, that crafty part of me came through. I loved its simple look. It SPOKE to me. I gazed at it often through out our visit. Shortly before we were to leave, I asked my dad about some blogs I sent him for his scroll saw. We chatted for a bit, and then he stood up and headed for the other room. At least I thought he was. Instead, he reached out and took that cute candy cane off the tree. He handed it to me. It was a gift complete with "Dad 2008" written on the back. A treasure to hold. A bit of "JOY", though the thought brings tears to my eyes.

Yes, folks, JOY is not that fleeting feeling. It is that lasting sense that brings strong emotions back at the thought. IT is what heals hurt. JOY is what I will seek this year. I will seek it for myself. It means I will need to tear down walls, and build up a sense of myself. I will find my way to sharing that JOY with others.

Did you make it through? Do you see my smile at the end? I had to wade through the other stuff, where I often get stuck in my head. But, I made it through, and I am smiling. That is my goal for 2009. What is yours?