It is very easy to sit in judgment upon the behavior of others, but often difficult to realize that every judgment is a self -judgment.
Howard Thurman, as quoted from "Changed by a Child"
I sat in a 504 meeting yesterday feeling like I was alone in the world. Sitting amongst the many professionals, it becomes hard to remember that I am also a professional, a mother with a bad reputation. I did not pave the way with kind words when working with my boys, but my heart was always in the right place. I am trying to change how I handle the situations with Ruth and the Sensory Processing Disorder. I don't thank I am doing so well. The faces of the women around the table were annoyed, frustrated, unsure.
Maybe they were reflecting my face.
How do we change a child with so many issues? We can not. It is not that I am asking for "special treatment", I just want to know how we make it sot hat her behavior does not become so ingrained, that it is a lifetime issue. If at 7, she knows she needs to move her legs, isn't there a way it can be done? If she is talking in school, can't there be some way to address it? A positive way? Why does everything seem so negative?
After the meeting, when I listened to them talk about how "capable" she is, I took a stand. It was raining and her backpack was out in the car. Normally, I would at least watch her, but I was having dinner, and she is "capable". She came back in with her bag, but no homework folder. I sent her back out, knowing that she had been observed playing with papers in the car. I sent her back out. Back again, empty handed. I just sat there, while she cried and said "I couldn't find it." I just sent her back out again. As I sat there, I struggled with myself. My instincts were to help, but she was capable. what to do? I waited. When it seemed to be taking too long, I got up and went to the door. As I approached, I saw her folder. It was in my bag, where I put it just after I picked her up, before the counseling session, before the mad dash between two towns 35 miles apart, twice in a row, to make two different appointments, before the struggle at the meeting. I should have gone with my instincts instead of listening to the new voices in my head. I called her in, sat down and held her as she cried, "Why did you make me go out there when you had it the whole time?" It was a fair question… One that I asked myself.
I live with this beautiful, funny, compassionate, caring, energetic, capable girl. I know it quickly becomes ugly when I need something done that is not in her ability to deal with at this moment. Is she conniving? Outwitting me? I do not think so, and yet I think the women at that table did. Maybe there is a piece of me that wonders how I became this person that fights within herself. Maybe that does not allow the confidence I needed yesterday. Is it that I am allowing myself to be blind? Or is it that they are not allowing themselves to see the extent of what we are dealing with?
Today, I am realizing I sit in judgment of myself. I did not do this to my little girl. I can not 'fix' it. I can only take the steps I need to help her to cope this moment in time. This is one of the hardest things for me. I want it all to be okay, and it is not. It could be, one day. So, today I will pick up my boot straps, and start again.
Howard Thurman, as quoted from "Changed by a Child"
I sat in a 504 meeting yesterday feeling like I was alone in the world. Sitting amongst the many professionals, it becomes hard to remember that I am also a professional, a mother with a bad reputation. I did not pave the way with kind words when working with my boys, but my heart was always in the right place. I am trying to change how I handle the situations with Ruth and the Sensory Processing Disorder. I don't thank I am doing so well. The faces of the women around the table were annoyed, frustrated, unsure.
Maybe they were reflecting my face.
How do we change a child with so many issues? We can not. It is not that I am asking for "special treatment", I just want to know how we make it sot hat her behavior does not become so ingrained, that it is a lifetime issue. If at 7, she knows she needs to move her legs, isn't there a way it can be done? If she is talking in school, can't there be some way to address it? A positive way? Why does everything seem so negative?
After the meeting, when I listened to them talk about how "capable" she is, I took a stand. It was raining and her backpack was out in the car. Normally, I would at least watch her, but I was having dinner, and she is "capable". She came back in with her bag, but no homework folder. I sent her back out, knowing that she had been observed playing with papers in the car. I sent her back out. Back again, empty handed. I just sat there, while she cried and said "I couldn't find it." I just sent her back out again. As I sat there, I struggled with myself. My instincts were to help, but she was capable. what to do? I waited. When it seemed to be taking too long, I got up and went to the door. As I approached, I saw her folder. It was in my bag, where I put it just after I picked her up, before the counseling session, before the mad dash between two towns 35 miles apart, twice in a row, to make two different appointments, before the struggle at the meeting. I should have gone with my instincts instead of listening to the new voices in my head. I called her in, sat down and held her as she cried, "Why did you make me go out there when you had it the whole time?" It was a fair question… One that I asked myself.
I live with this beautiful, funny, compassionate, caring, energetic, capable girl. I know it quickly becomes ugly when I need something done that is not in her ability to deal with at this moment. Is she conniving? Outwitting me? I do not think so, and yet I think the women at that table did. Maybe there is a piece of me that wonders how I became this person that fights within herself. Maybe that does not allow the confidence I needed yesterday. Is it that I am allowing myself to be blind? Or is it that they are not allowing themselves to see the extent of what we are dealing with?
Today, I am realizing I sit in judgment of myself. I did not do this to my little girl. I can not 'fix' it. I can only take the steps I need to help her to cope this moment in time. This is one of the hardest things for me. I want it all to be okay, and it is not. It could be, one day. So, today I will pick up my boot straps, and start again.
No comments:
Post a Comment